


The One Where the Dick Detaches

by TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone, ZanderFrae



Series: F. A. N. T. A. S. I. E. S. [1]
Category: Friends (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, M/M, Zombie!Joey, detachable body parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-15 05:04:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20860709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone/pseuds/TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZanderFrae/pseuds/ZanderFrae
Summary: Joey and Chandler are in an established, comfortable relationship, but having a zombie as a partner means there's always something new to try.





	The One Where the Dick Detaches

**Author's Note:**

> TobiBooneTheSmallSpoone as Joey  
ZanderFae as Chandler

Joey blinked into what passed as wakefulness and groaned, he grunted softly and stretched as best as a living corpse could without something falling off … again. He blinked and wandered into the kitchen to see if Chandler was up yet, well he already knew Chandler was awake, he could hear his boyfriend's heartbeat in the kitchen but still, "Mornin'..." he mumbled, rubbing at his eye only for it to pop out onto the floor, "oh goddammit!"

Chandler sipped at his cup, mumbling a quick but warm, “G’morning,” before returning it to the counter and adding a bit more sugar. “What fell this time? Do we need to make a trip to the Stitcher’s?”

Joey scrambled on the floor, "_ No, _ thank you, just doing my best Velma impression." He snatched his eyeball up, laughing triumphantly and spitting on it then rubbing it on his shirt before popping it back in, "see?"

Chandler turned to scrutinize his boyfriend with narrowed eyes. Eventually, finding nothing to be more out of sorts than normal, he shrugged. “Whatever you say, Joey. Have any plans for today?”

Joey shrugged, "Got a line reading to go to but yanno, nothing out of the ordinary. Unless my damn eye pops out again. I told you if I get hit too hard in the head it'll just pop right out, I dunno if there's any way to get the thing to stay in-" he blinked a few times, "anyway, you got plans?"

“I’ve got today off. Some goblin holiday or something. Thought maybe we could do something together,” the human answered with a false air of nonchalance as his eyes darkened and pupils dilated. “We could… see what else we might get to fall off.”

Joey’s eyebrow rose and he scooted a bit closer, "I dunno, Chan, I think I still got a finger up your ass somewhere…" he wiggled his eyebrows and snickered, taking out his cellphone, "Think my reading just got pushed back."

“Nah, the doc knows to check for those now… after the last time.” Chandler barely repressed a shudder at the doctor’s long and firm rant about how it’s perfectly fine for humans to have zombie partners and let their zombie partners stick bits of themselves in but it was _ decidedly not fine _ for humans to _ keep _ parts of their zombie partners inside through an entire work shift. He rolled his eyes to shoo the doctor away from his mind and shifted closer to Joey. “Pushed back far enough to have a bit of fun? Maybe relax you before the reading?” A grin threatened to split his face.

"By 'pushed back' I mean tomorrow." Joey smirked, running his fingers slowly up Chandlers arms, "and you know, I think somebody hasn't been topped in a while." He rubbed his nose along Chandlers neck, breathing in deeply. The human’s smell was such a nostalgic kick for him, being human… so warm… so alive… Joey nibbled lightly at Chandler’s carotid.

The human moaned, going limp except for the growing tent in his pyjama pants. His neck had been erogenous _ before _ becoming involved with a zombie, but something in Joey’s reaction and near-obsession with it had somewhat of a Pavlov effect. Chandler drew out nearly every syllable with contented laziness, “Tomorrow might not be enough time.”

"I'll give you a fucking week fucking if that's what you need." Joey growled, his eyes white out and he smiled, "I gotta be the horniest dead man on the planet …. Cmon, I was ready to go a year ago."

Chandler grinned and dragged his fall apart boyfriend to their bed. If you can count multiple stops to kiss and remove clothing and run fingers along the freshly uncovered skin as ‘dragging’. Eventually, they arrived at the foot of the bed completely naked except for Joey’s socks. In between each peppered kiss, Chandler chided, “You don’t even get _ cold _. Why on earth do you insist on keeping those on?”

Joey looked up from working off one of his fingers and shrugged, "Eh, force'a habit I guess? You want one or two?" He managed, after a few grunts and a wince to rip off his middle left finger and held it up, the digit curled a few times enticingly at Chandler.

Chandler’s kisses moved down Joey’s chest. “Mmm two for now,” he murmured around a nipple. The tip of his dick already glistened with precum as hands moved to grip Joey’s butt-cheeks and pull him closer.

Joey hissed softly and closed his eyes for a second, digging his remaining fingers in Chandlers thick hair, "ooh that feels nice…" he started to wrench at the ring finger and swallowed, "its easier to get it off if it's hard so yanno, when you get around to it." He gave his hips a little wiggle toward Chandler.

The human chuckled before dragging his teeth from nipple to navel. “So impatient today, Jojo. I thought we had the week if I wanted it?” Nimble fingers continued to knead Joey’s ass even as Chandler’s teeth nibbled at the jut of his hips. Despite his taunt, Chandler made his way quickly to the base of Joey’s half-mast cock, teasing it with his tongue.

Joey breathed in slowly and leaned forward, grabbing some lube and coated the dismembered digits before dropping them on Chandlers ass, they wiggled slightly then inched their way to the humans asshole. Joey leaned back as his fingers rubbed and prodded at Chandlers ass, he opened one eye to look down at the human, "hey just remember to let it get all the way hard before you, yanno." He made a vague snapping gesture with his fists then settled back.

Chandler nodded, half nuzzling his boyfriend with the movement, before sucking Joey’s cock into his mouth at an incredibly _ slow _ rate. Every centimeter forward seemed to be met with a gentle push and slide against his slit that exposed his now wet and warm cock to the cool air of their apartment.

Joey swallowed, his first finger managed to wiggle in and the second wasn't far behind. Once the two digits were wedged next to each other, they shifted and curled, rubbing about until they found Chandlers prostate. Joey smirked and started popping off his pinky on the right hand, "Ding ding, found it! Hang on, imma give you another digit." He licked his lips then stopped and glanced down at his tongue and smirked, keeping it between his teeth, "Hmmmm…. Yanno I love talking but I think you'll like this, close your eyes, Chan, this is gonna be icky." He extended his tongue as far out of his mouth as he could and geared up to bite through it. A thin line of blood dripped down his chin and he winced.

Chandler arched an eyebrow in query as his most recent bob brought his lips and nose to the curlies at Joey’s base, hollowing his cheeks and humming to ensure his mouth grew fuller.

Joey moaned then bit through his tongue, gasping as the sharp pain flared then dulled then was gone, all that remained was the sensation of his tongue dropping onto Chandlers head. It writhed about a little and Joey laughed shortly before leaning forward to pluck it out of the humans hair, "Oofths, m'baag." He carefully held his tongue between his finger and thumb on the hand that still had them and carefully leaned over, dropping it where his fingers had also disappeared. Joey groaned as he tasted Chandler and bucked his hips. He had a brief thought of if his eyes could pop out of his skull if he rolled them back far enough.

Chandler’s eyes shot open as he moaned around Joey’s cock, muttering muffled praise senselessly. One hand left Joey’s body to find the tube of lube he’d tossed on the bed earlier. A few fumbles later, he had slicked two fingers and was teasing Joey’s ring of tender muscle.

Joey blinked, his white eyes narrowed and he cocked an eyebrow. Thought he was going to be topping? He shrugged and scooted a bit lower to make it easier for Chandler. The human followed his zombie’s cock, still sucking and occasionally humming away happily even as he stretched Joey out.

Once he was satisfied with both the weight on his tongue and the looseness of Joey’s asshole, Chandler spun them around so that Joey’s back hit the mattress and popped off his dick. 

Joey yelped and breathed in sharply as the initial pain of complete separation shot from his groin up his spine to flare to life behind his eye sockets then he breathed out and relaxed. Youd think hed be used to that by now … he grunted and situated himself comfortably in the pillows, looking expectantly up at Chandler.

“I know you don’t like to top, Jojo. I love that you do it for me, but I just realized that we can have it both ways,” the man declared with a goofy grin and emphatic, phallic wave.

Joey chuckled but it sounded like he was gargling water and he smiled at his human. If he could talk hed probably say something like 'Easy with that, they'll only replace it once' or something. His fingers still buried deep in Chandlers ass gave an insistent wiggle before they started to work their way back out while his tongue kept at its task.

With one hand, Chandler alternated playing with Joey’s balls and maintaining the stretch of his asshole. With the other, he bobbed the still-lively dick in and out of his mouth. His own dick throbbed happily against his stomach, weeping steadily.

Joey squirmed and twitched, he whined loudly and his fingers dropped out of Chandler, he grunted and scooped them up to set on the nightstand then quickly grabbed his tongue. He grimaced when he realized he needed to find some way of keeping it from drying out then sighed. This had not been very well thought out… he tilted his head to the side then perked up when he saw Chandler left a glass of water on the nightstand so he dropped it in, pulling a face slightly at the stake taste then he smiled at Chandler eagerly, wiggling slightly.

Chandler pulled Joey out of his mouth and asked, “Would you like to do the honours?”

Joey nodded eagerly, taking his cock from Chandler, he smirked and popped the head into his mouth briefly before he leaned forward, kissing chandler slowly as he pressed the head against the humans asshole. He breathed deeply as he felt how tight Chandler was despite Joey's ministrations.

Chandler gasped and bucked back onto the dick, making sure it was as deep as it could go. The member throbbed and pulsed inside him better than any _ toy _ ever could. “I love you, you know that?” he murmured into Joey’s lips as he lined his tip up with Joey’s asshole. “Ready for me, Jojo?”

Joey nodded and grabbed the back of his knees, pulling them up and his feet wiggled. Not being able to talk was killing him but he'd survive for a bit longer. His cock felt so warm and Chandler kept squeezing around him deliciously.

Chandler pressed in, slow and steady and gentle. They had initially worried about Joey being stretched out forever due to his affliction but soon found the opposite to be true. Now, Chandler worried about stretching too fast, but the gradual slide was sweet, teasing torture enough that he didn’t mind having to take his time. Especially when his boyfriend was still up his ass. When he finally bottomed out, Chandler captured Joey’s mouth again, eager to taste and claim as his boyfriend’s body eased around him.

Joey sighed into Chandlers mouth and wrapped his arms around the human’s neck, the kiss was strange as he didn't have a tongue. Then he smirked and grabbed the glass of water. He scooped his tongue out, holding it out to Chandler and motioning to the human’s mouth excitedly. He faltered a bit when Chandler thrust made the slippery tongue shoot out of his hand like a car of soap, "Oofths!!!"

Chandler’s jaw dropped open seconds before his hands struck out to try and catch the flying muscle. The effort pulled him out of Joey just a bit as one hand just barely closed around the slick thing. “Do you want it in my mouth or yours?” Chandler snarked, thrusting back in on the last word.

Joey huffed and crossed his arms, he pointed insistently at Chandler, fixing him with a rather unamused glare. The second they got the Stitchers to reattach his tongue, he’d have words for his oh-so-funny boyfriend. His cock pulsed deep inside Chandler and he twitched and then let his head roll back in a moan.

Chandler chuckled and teased the tip of Joey’s tongue before dropping it in his mouth and claiming Joey’s again. Soon, they’d built up a nice rhythm and figured out how to french kiss with a floating half tongue, and Chandler was babbling praises and prayers like they were the same thing and Joey was his god.

Joey moaned loudly around his own tongue then had to roll over onto his stomach so he could spit his tongue back into the glass of water and bite down on the pillow. He whined loudly as he got closer but for a zombie, climax can get very bite-y and hed bitten Chandler once in the throes of passion … it had been very bloody and joey preferred not to do that. He reached down to get another pillow under his hips.

Chandler nearly squawked in response to Joey’s abrupt spin--as was tradition--but picked up his pace once the man settled. “Oh Jojo. You’re so… perfect… and gorgeous… and ** _MRM_ ** feel so good.”

Joey moaned into the pillow then reached up and smacked himself upside the head, popping his eye out to position it off to the side and behind them so he could watch Chandler fuck him and then he tilted it just so and he could see both of them getting fucked. Joey clung to the bedsheets. His eyes widened then squeezed shut. He was usually so fidgety but now he didn’t have anything to do with his hands. He contented himself to just watch and enjoy all the sensations.

Amidst the litany of praise and kisses Chandler rained down on his boyfriend, the phrase, “I think I understand why Mrs. Potato Head stays with him, holy fuck,” stood out a teensy bit.

Joey made a low, guttural snarling sound and his hips snapped frantically as orgasm became imminent, he glanced over his shoulder with his remaining eye and his normally gray cheeks became pink tinged. He was so incredibly close.

Chandler gripped Joey’s shoulders tight and sped up, losing his rhythm but increasing intensity until every muscle clenched for a few sweet, white-hot moments before release.

Joey made a gurgling, groaning sound then he collapsed into the pillows, he slowly let go of the pillow that had been clenched in his teeth. He slowly reached for his eye and popped it back in then groaned again. He reached for his phone on the floor by the bed and rapidly tapped out a message, showing it to Chandler, [They’ll know exactly what we were doing if they have to put my tongue, fingers and dick back on. XD]. Then he snuggled back under Chandler as the color leaked back into his eyes and the warmth from his lover seeped deep into his dead, cold flesh.

“Bah. Let ‘em know. They already assume most of your dismemberments are sex-related,” the human murmured, half-asleep, into Joey’s neck.

Joey smiled tiredly, might have to just cancel the reading...


End file.
